Finding Coping Skills Archives - Nina Clark Ericson PhD

Redefine Your 2021 Resolutions

Advice on Depression, Dealing with Emotions, Finding Coping Skills, How to be Present, Leadership, Navigating Transitions, Overcoming Fears, Relationships

This Year Create Inspiring and Achievable Goals

Nicky, a 51-year-old events planner, contacted me to help her follow through on her goal of finding a great life partner. Nicky had had this goal for many years, but would give up after having disappointing relationships and weird experiences with online dating. To help Nicky stay inspired and committed to her goal, we created a visualization about how she expects to feel when she is in a great relationship. Nicky set a goal of doing this visualization at least three times a day so that she could stay inspired.

We then converted Nicky’s long-term goal into actionable items. The first step in creating a long-term relationship: meeting men. And Nicky wasn’t meeting any guys in her SF apartment. She set a goal of going out to a coffee shop and a wine bar once a week and committed to spending an hour a week on dating apps.

When I checked in with Nicky a few weeks later, she had begun using a dating app and was in conversation with several prospects. However, she had been inconsistent with getting out to coffee and wine places. It’s hard to keep working towards a big goal when success does not come immediately; you need to reward the smaller, actionable steps towards those goals. Nicky decided to reward herself with a spa day when she met her short-term goals four weeks in a row.

At press time, Nicky is diligently following through on her small steps towards her big goal. She has met a lovely gentleman and they have gone on a few promising dates.

You may not be searching for your soulmate, but in all probability, you have some of the problems that Nicky has had with staying inspired and committed to long-term goals. According to some estimates, 80 percent of New Year’s resolutions fail by mid-February. But setting intentions is important to creating the life that you desire. Tony Robbins, the guru of transformation, says:

“Effective goal-setting helps you stay focused, keeps you accountable, and is the single most important aspect of reaching your dreams.”

TIPS FOR FOLLOWING THROUGH ON YOUR RESOLUTIONS

Vividly imagine what you will feel like when you have achieved your goal. Practice this visualization at least three times a day to stay inspired.
Write down your goals. Dr. Gail Matthews of Dominican University led a study that found that people are 42 percent more likely to achieve their goals if they write them down.
Break large goals into specific and measurable steps. Martha Beck, Oprah’s go-to life coach, says “A turtle step is the least I can do, divided in half. It’s also the only way I’ve ever achieved anything.”
Reward yourself for reaching small goals along the way. Many resolutions are long-term; make sure you reward yourself for attaining short-term goals.
Be accountable to yourself and someone else. Set up a weekly check-in with yourself and recruit a reliable accountability partner to ensure that you stick with your commitment.
Modify goals as needed. Evaluate what’s working and what isn’t, and change your plan accordingly.

Inquire about a complimentary coaching session by emailing nina@ninaclarkericson.com

Dealing With Anger

Advice on Depression, Dealing with Emotions, Family, Finding Coping Skills, Relationships

Thoughtful steps to move into acceptance

Anger. You Know The Feeling. Tight Chest, adrenaline rush, rapid heartbeat, uncontrolled thoughts. Dictionary.com defines anger as a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire. Boy, I know that feeling. Anger is a fundamental emotion and can be super helpful. It is triggered by a perceived or real threat, and our bodies respond with the fight, flight, or freeze response. The “threat” can be someone taking the parking spot for which you have been waiting, your child not doing his chores, or a colleague taking credit for your work. Anger can also signal when someone has crossed your boundary, a need of yours isn’t getting met, or when you see an injustice. Anger can inspire us to act, in either a constructive or destructive way. Here are a few different types of anger:

1. Destructive Anger
Suppressing anger is consciously or unconsciously covering up your anger. Many people, particularly women, have been taught that anger is unseemly, that expressing anger is wrong because it makes others uncomfortable. The results of suppressing anger can be debilitating:

Physical: high blood pressure, increased heart disease, de-creased immunity, and ulcers.
Emotional: anxiety and depression.
Social: relationships suffer greatly from suppressed anger: passive-aggressive behavior, rage, misunderstanding, lack of growth, disconnection.

For example, I have a client, Amy, who was repeatedly told by her self-righteous cousin, Liz, the parenting mistakes Amy was making. Amy felt hurt and defeated, then started ignoring Liz’s calls. In her work with me, Amy realized that she was mad because Liz was crossing a boundary. Amy decided that her anger was justified. She bravely called Liz and told her she no longer wanted Liz’s parenting advice. Liz said she was only trying to help. On their next couple of phone calls, Amy had to interrupt Liz and remind her that she did not want parenting advice. Finally, Liz stopped telling Amy how to parent, and they returned to a positive, connected relationship. Amy felt strong having set her boundaries. Perhaps Liz learned something that will help her in other relationships. Amy, for sure, learned that setting boundaries in a calm, firm manner resulted in her having a better relationship with her cousin, and a stronger sense of self-respect.

2. Rage
Rage is an uncontrolled, intense expression of anger. Again, the result can be quite costly:

Physical: “In the two hours after an angry outburst, the chance of having a heart attack doubles,” says Chris Aiken, MD, an instructor in clinical psychiatry at the Wake Forest University School of Medicine and director of the Mood Treatment Center in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. In addition, strokes have been linked to rage.
Emotional: Uncontrolled venting to others about your feelings of rage and hostility can actually intensify the anger and create a loop of enraged thinking, resulting in a constant undercurrent of anger and obsessive thinking.
Social: Rage can destroy relationships, whether intimate, familial, or professional

Sam’s marriage is an example of the effects of rage. Sam was a lovely, successful tech entrepreneur. Everyone thought of Sam as the quintessential nice guy. He was, except for when he wasn’t. Sam’s wife told him that if he didn’t get therapy, she would leave. She was tired of his intense yelling and blaming when milk spilled (literally), a phone broke, or the credit card bill was high. Although Sam didn’t get angry often, when he did the resulting anxiety and tension was too much for Sam’s wife. In therapy, I worked with Sam to help him learn the steps to manage his anger in a healthy way: leave the situation and calm himself. We dove deep into how he had learned to rage by experiencing his father’s uncontrolled anger. Sam learned to express his anger in a calm, constructive manner. And he saved his marriage.

3. Resentment
Sometimes people get stuck in ongoing low-grade anger. The resentment may focus on a spouse, a friend, or a political issue. There is an old saying that comes from AA: Holding onto anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It doesn’t work.

Physical: heart disease, exhaustion, headaches.
Emotional: anxiety and depression.
Social: isolation from friends, poor work relationships.

A client named Ellen is a great example of the cost of resentment. Ellen’s husband fell in love with another woman and left her. Terrible. Ellen got stuck in a spiral of obsessive thinking about her ex-husband and his affair. Was her anger justified? Yes. Did it serve her to hang on to that anger and carry her resentment into each moment of her life? Absolutely not. In therapy, Ellen had to learn how to forgive her ex-husband so that she could move on with her life. With time and new skills, Ellen began focusing on creating a new chapter in her life that didn’t include her past resentment.

The following is an example of how to transform destructive anger. Susan contacted me because her anger at her ex-husband was manifesting in restless sleep, headaches, and difficulty concentrating. Anger overwhelmed her. Susan complained that her ex-husband, John, thwarted her attempts to take their 6-year-old son out of state, declining permission for Susan to take their son on an “amazing” trip filled with adventure. The trip was arranged to be as COVID-safe as possible. Susan’s ex-husband had taken their son out of state the month prior on a trip that Susan had approved … and yet … and yet, he refused to sign off on the trip.

Susan was furious. Her heart raced, she felt incredibly tense. Her neck felt as tight as steel and her whole body, including her brain, felt “inflamed.” Susan contacted me for a Zoom session.

As I asked Susan questions about the situation that was making her angry—her ex-husband’s refusal to give her permission to take their son out-of-state—Susan’s anger was triggered. Her face flushed and her voice rose in pitch and volume. Before Susan could access her intellect to help her manage her anger, she needed to calm herself down to a state where she could think clearly. We did a quick and simple Heartmath® exercise to engage her parasympathetic nervous system to calm her breathing, heartrate, thinking, and blood pressure.

Once Susan was in a better, calmer state, she could talk about her frustration. Susan described John’s history of not allowing her to take their son on most out-of-state trips, and admitted a legal agreement supported his right to do that. I asked Susan what reasonable action she could take to deal with this situation. She answered that her ex-husband could be more mature and not take out his anger about the divorce on their son. Well, that was not one of her options; it was John’s. She could not control what John chose to do. She could only control what she thought about the situation with John and what she decided to do.

Noted Author Byron Katie says, “When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.” It’s best to stop arguing with reality, be it a simple traffic jam or a complex relationship with a co-parent.

Rather than wasting her energy venting about John and trying to change him, Susan changed her thought from what John “should” do to what she could do. She changed her thought to “I can give my son a big life in California.” Her legal agreement with her son’s father stated that she could take their son anywhere in California. With California’s wealth of experiences, geographies, and cultures to explore, Susan could easily give her son the “big life” she cherishes. She could give her son almost any experience within the state, from skiing to surfing and everything in between. She could expose her son to all sorts of food and art. They could explore different landscapes. Susan could certainly give her son a “big life.”

After Susan accepted her situation and focused on what she could control—giving her son a wealth of experiences in California—she felt a sense of relief. Susan and her son are enjoying their big life in California!

The next time you feel angry, go through the above five steps to determine if changing your thought or taking constructive action is the best way to deal with the cause. Oh, and as always, don’t forget to breathe deeply!

MANAGING YOUR ANGER
To deal with anger in a healthy, constructive way, use the following steps:

1. Name It: ecognize that you are experiencing anger. We cannot process emotions if we don’t identify them. Physical manifestations of anger include stomach pain, tight shoulders, back pain, headache, increased heart rate, and rapid thoughts of anger. “Seeing red” is a common description of how it feels to be angry.

2. Take a time-out: Stop what you are doing and remove yourself from the person or situation that is triggering your anger.

3. Breathe in deeply: Take in some deep breathes. Imagine a beautiful scene in nature that makes you feel peaceful. These actions will calm your nervous system, and you will be able to think more clearly.

4. Examine your thoughts: Identify what thought is causing you to feel angry. Yes, your thoughts cause you to be angry, not the person or circumstances. Decide if the thought that triggers your anger is reasonable and serves you. Anger about the COVID-19 quarantine or a traffic jam probably doesn’t serve you. Change your thought about the situation and work towards acceptance.

5. Devise a constructive solution: f you determine that the thought that creates your anger is reasonable, decide upon your best response to the situation. The other day, a friend of mine witnessed someone repeatedly hitting his dog. She yelled at the man to stop hitting his dog. He stopped hitting his poor dog, got into his car, and drove away. She recorded his license plate and reported him to animal control. Justified anger against an injustice. Constructive solution.

Inquire about a complimentary coaching session by emailing nina@ninaclarkericson.com

Cultivating Presence

Advice on Depression, Dealing with Emotions, Finding Coping Skills, How to be Present, Managing Anxiety, Navigating Transitions

Tools to quiet the chatter and
find power in the moment

With the current chaotic state of the world, one topic getting attention is mindfulness and being present. But do we truly understand what cultivating presence means?

Sometimes, the best way to explain a subject is to discuss its opposite. It is not being out to dinner with friends (socially distanced), thinking about the webinar you are creating, ignoring them and missing out on true connection. It is not doing yoga and wondering what the holidays will look like this year. It is not spending time with your children while checking the latest news on your phone between sentences.

One clear way to know if you are present? Interact with a horse. Horses are thousand pound biofeedback mechanisms that will reflect your presence, or lack thereof. As prey animals, horses need to be present and aware, always, or else they could be lunch. And they expect that presence from their herdmates and humans- it makes them feel safe.

you, because you aren’t here.” Sparrow was reminding me to stop listening to the ever present, mindless chatter that can devour the present moment. Usually, like in the above case, that voice is a worrisome critic, telling us what we’ve done wrong and what will go wrong. Imagine, I was listening to my inner worries rather than being with Sparrow! How often do we get stuck in our heads, hijacked by worries about our futures, jobs, finances, COVID, and other topics?

“Live the actual moment.
Only this actual moment is life.”

– Thich Nhat Hanh

Wouldn’t you love to live a life in which you no longer let your fears or worries take control of your thoughts?

So, what is being present, and what is the big deal about it? Being present is acknowledging the current moment and all its nuances. Right now, I am typing. I hear a crow squawking and an airplane flying overhead. I feel a slight breeze coming in through my window. I see my computer and a very messy desk. My brain is focused on thoughts regarding how to be present. I am truly present.

Traveling or being in a new environment is another great way of being present. With COVID, we can’t fly to Europe and practice mindfulness under the Eiffel Tower, but we can still drive our car to a pretty spot and take in the beauty around us. Roll down the window. What scents does the air carry? What do you see? A beach scene, the mountains, maybe just a parking lot where you can watch the trees move in the breeze. There, you have found a space of mindfulness.

Practice not worrying about the future or regretting the past. Those are the two things we will never change. In Eckhart Tolle’s bestselling book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, he writes: “If your mind carries a heavy burden of the past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through a lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future.”

Why does being present matter?

In December 2019, researchers at Brown University found that being mindful, or present, is associated with lowered blood pressure, improved gastrointestinal functioning, sharper thinking, and better sleep. Mindfulness is also linked to decreased anxiety and depression. UC Berkeley researcher Matthew Killingsworth, Ph.D., found that people are significantly less happy when their minds wander and when they are not present. This is true even when the content of the person’s thoughts is neutral. Wow, that’s enough incentive for us to hone my mindfulness skills.

Practice the following steps to increase your mindfulness

If you can devote 10 minutes a day to this practice, you will see a remarkable shift in your attitude in as little as 10 days:
1. Stop what you are doing and be still.

2. Tell the nonstop commentator in your head to take a break. You are going to focus on the present moment right now. For the rest of this exercise, if that chatter returns, let the thoughts glide out of your awareness, like a leaf flowing by in a stream. Don’t judge the thoughts or yourself for having them.

3. Take in a few deep breaths. Pay attention to your inhale, following your breath as it fills your lungs. Now exhale and again observe how you feel as the breath leaves your body.

4. Notice what you see. Take in the colors, the shapes, the movements. Watch for your mind making judgments. (In my earlier example, I noticed my messy desk but didn’t judge it. It’s just how I work.)

5. Now close your eyes (of course, only if safe to do so). Our sight can easily dominate our senses, so closing your eyes makes it easier to tune into your other senses.

First, notice your feet on the ground. Are your feet on a cold, hard floor, a soft carpet, or the warm hard surface of the earth?
What do you hear? Birds, the air conditioner, people talking, nothing? Just be aware of the sounds in your environment. Don’t judge.
What does your skin feel? If you are outside, is it warm, can you feel the sun? Or is it shady, perhaps with a slight breeze?
What do you smell? The fresh scent of redwoods, or a bland smell from your neighborhood?

You can do this exercise anywhere. I find it easiest to do within a natural environment, surrounded by redwoods or enjoying an ocean view. But I practice being present everywhere—a traffic jam, waiting in a doctor’s office, and especially when horseback riding. Mindfulness is a skill: the more you practice it, the better able you will be able to be present at any moment.The better you get at being mindful, the more you can use the calm feeling of being present to help you stay grounded during potentially stressful situations. The grande dame of wellness, Oprah Winfrey, says when you are mindful, “You are tuned in to the present moment instead of the jumble of thoughts in your head. You gain clarity. You stop giving power to your past. You know that, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, you will be okay.” That sounds good to me.

Have a problem or issue that you’d like to discuss with Dr. Clark Ericson? Please send your question to nina@ninaclarkericson.com. If you’re chosen, Nina will contact you for a complimentary and confidential coaching session.

Seven Steps to Manage Your Brain

Advice on Depression, Dealing with Emotions, Finding Coping Skills, How to be Present, Living Life During COVID-19

Long ago, real, immediate dangers were a constant in the environment.

If our ancestors heard a sound in the bushes and shrugged it off, they could have been lunch for a prehistoric bear or a mountain lion. The human race might not have survived. So, our ancestors’ fear-based brains served them well. That was great in the “good old days,” but isn’t so great now.

Today, we deal with a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety related to the COVID-19 pandemic, job loss, and the health of those we love. Let’s look at how to deal with these feelings.

All emotion comes from our thoughts, not directly from situations. COVID-19 and protesting do not in and of themselves create anxiety. What does that mean? Let me use myself as an example. When we were first quarantined, I thought, “Oh, now I have time to complete work and home projects.” Resulting feeling? Excitement. A couple of weeks later, I noticed I felt a bit depressed and unmotivated. I examined my thinking and realized that I was worried that quarantine would last forever (yes, my brain actually thought that), and that my family, work, and social life would never be the same. I worked on my own thinking to get back to feeling motivated. I’ll show you how.

I received many requests from people asking how to manage their increased anxiety. I did a Zoom coaching session with John (details have been changed to protect his identity) a Bay Area marketing consultant. John’s complaint of anxiety was similar to many others I heard.

John wrote the following: “The virus has really triggered my anxiety. How can I deal with it and live my life without the fears affecting my mind and emotional state?”

I started John’s coaching session discussing how our thoughts create our emotions. Then we jumped into John’s specific situation. I asked John what circumstance was related to his emotion, anxiety.

John said that he had been pursuing a potential client for a few weeks and had sent a contract to her the prior week. He had not heard back from her.

I asked John what thoughts he had prior to feeling anxious. John had to slow down to sort through his mind chatter (which we all have). He realized that he thought, “She is not going to hire me.” John’s thinking then spiraled into worry about his career, that his marketing skills weren’t good, and he would lose his business. John’s anxiety worsened into panic: he had lots of pressure in his chest, shallow breathing, and difficulty concentrating.

Were John’s thoughts realistic? Did John have evidence that the client wasn’t going to sign on with him? No, he said, no evidence. The fact that the prospect hadn’t returned a signed contract did not mean that she wasn’t going to hire John. And what action did John take when he felt this anxiety? He avoided his work: he stopped reaching out to potential clients and had a difficult time concentrating on the work he did have.

Then John and I discussed how he wanted to feel, his desired emotion. He said he wanted to feel relaxed, centered, and confident. He did not want to worry about this one prospect becoming a client. What did he need to think to feel this way? The realistic replacement thought John chose was: “I got this. Whether this client signs on or not, I have a proven track record as a successful marketing consultant.” With John’s renewed and realistic belief in himself and his abilities, he was motivated and excited to focus on his work.

Seven Steps to Manage Your Mind

Situation: These are facts. This statement would hold up in a court of law.

Thought: What thought do you have about the situation?

Realistic: Is there evidence that this thought is true? If yes, you need to feel your emotions.

If no, continue:

Emotion: What unpleasant feeling is that thought causing?

Action: What do you do when you have these thoughts and feelings?

Desired emotion: How do you want to feel?

Realistic replacement thought: What thought will lead to the desired emotion and consequent action.

Use this process to manage your brain. You can transform unrealistic, limiting beliefs to thoughts that serve you and help you create the life that you want. Manage your mind and your brain can be your superpower.

Cultivating Presence

Advice on Depression, Finding Coping Skills

Tools to quiet the chatter and find power in the moment

With the current chaotic state of the world, one topic getting attention is mindfulness and being present. But do we truly understand what cultivating presence means?

How often do we get stuck in our heads, hijacked by worries about our futures, jobs, finances, COVID, and other topics?

Earlier this week, a horse “told” me I wasn’t present. I was showing an Equus coaching client how she could interact with Sparrow, a horse. I invited Sparrow, who was not on a leadline, to follow me as I walked. Initially, I heard the beautiful sound of Sparrow’s hooves in the sand, right behind me. Then it was silent. I checked myself and realized that my focus had switched from the beautiful present moment to my worry about an upcoming business meeting. Sparrow was saying, in horse language, “You left, and I am no longer following you, because you aren’t here.” Sparrow was reminding me to stop listening to the ever present, mindless chatter that can devour the present moment. Usually, like in the above case, that voice is a worrisome critic, telling us what we’ve done wrong and what will go wrong. Imagine, I was listening to my inner worries rather than being with Sparrow!

“Live the actual moment. Only this actual moment is life.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Wouldn’t you love to live a life in which you no longer let your fears or worries take control of your thoughts?

Why does being present matter?

Practice the following steps to increase your mindfulness

If you can devote 10 minutes a day to this practice, you will see a remarkable shift in your attitude in as little as 10 days:

1. Stop what you are doing and be still.

3. Take in a few deep breaths. Pay attention to your inhale, following your breath as it fills your lungs. Now exhale and again observe how you feel as the breath leaves your body.

5. Now close your eyes (of course, only if safe to do so). Our sight can easily dominate our senses, so closing your eyes makes it easier to tune into your other senses.

First, notice your feet on the ground. Are your feet on a cold, hard floor, a soft carpet, or the warm hard surface of the earth?
What do you hear? Birds, the air conditioner, people talking, nothing? Just be aware of the sounds in your environment. Don’t judge.
What does your skin feel? If you are outside, is it warm, can you feel the sun? Or is it shady, perhaps with a slight breeze?
What do you smell? The fresh scent of redwoods, or a bland smell from your neighborhood?

You can do this exercise anywhere. I find it easiest to do within a natural environment, surrounded by redwoods or enjoying an ocean view. But I practice being present everywhere—a traffic jam, waiting in a doctor’s office, and especially when horseback riding. Mindfulness is a skill: the more you practice it, the better able you will be able to be present at any moment. The better you get at being mindful, the more you can use the calm feeling of being present to help you stay grounded during potentially stressful situations. The grande dame of wellness, Oprah Winfrey, says when you are mindful, “You are tuned in to the present moment instead of the jumble of thoughts in your head. You gain clarity. You stop giving power to your past. You know that, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, you will be okay.” That sounds good to me.