How to be Present Archives - Nina Clark Ericson PhD

Redefine Your 2021 Resolutions

Advice on Depression, Dealing with Emotions, Finding Coping Skills, How to be Present, Leadership, Navigating Transitions, Overcoming Fears, Relationships

This Year Create Inspiring and Achievable Goals

Nicky, a 51-year-old events planner, contacted me to help her follow through on her goal of finding a great life partner. Nicky had had this goal for many years, but would give up after having disappointing relationships and weird experiences with online dating. To help Nicky stay inspired and committed to her goal, we created a visualization about how she expects to feel when she is in a great relationship. Nicky set a goal of doing this visualization at least three times a day so that she could stay inspired.

We then converted Nicky’s long-term goal into actionable items. The first step in creating a long-term relationship: meeting men. And Nicky wasn’t meeting any guys in her SF apartment. She set a goal of going out to a coffee shop and a wine bar once a week and committed to spending an hour a week on dating apps.

When I checked in with Nicky a few weeks later, she had begun using a dating app and was in conversation with several prospects. However, she had been inconsistent with getting out to coffee and wine places. It’s hard to keep working towards a big goal when success does not come immediately; you need to reward the smaller, actionable steps towards those goals. Nicky decided to reward herself with a spa day when she met her short-term goals four weeks in a row.

At press time, Nicky is diligently following through on her small steps towards her big goal. She has met a lovely gentleman and they have gone on a few promising dates.

You may not be searching for your soulmate, but in all probability, you have some of the problems that Nicky has had with staying inspired and committed to long-term goals. According to some estimates, 80 percent of New Year’s resolutions fail by mid-February. But setting intentions is important to creating the life that you desire. Tony Robbins, the guru of transformation, says:

“Effective goal-setting helps you stay focused, keeps you accountable, and is the single most important aspect of reaching your dreams.”

TIPS FOR FOLLOWING THROUGH ON YOUR RESOLUTIONS

Vividly imagine what you will feel like when you have achieved your goal. Practice this visualization at least three times a day to stay inspired.
Write down your goals. Dr. Gail Matthews of Dominican University led a study that found that people are 42 percent more likely to achieve their goals if they write them down.
Break large goals into specific and measurable steps. Martha Beck, Oprah’s go-to life coach, says “A turtle step is the least I can do, divided in half. It’s also the only way I’ve ever achieved anything.”
Reward yourself for reaching small goals along the way. Many resolutions are long-term; make sure you reward yourself for attaining short-term goals.
Be accountable to yourself and someone else. Set up a weekly check-in with yourself and recruit a reliable accountability partner to ensure that you stick with your commitment.
Modify goals as needed. Evaluate what’s working and what isn’t, and change your plan accordingly.

Inquire about a complimentary coaching session by emailing nina@ninaclarkericson.com

Cultivating Presence

Advice on Depression, Dealing with Emotions, Finding Coping Skills, How to be Present, Managing Anxiety, Navigating Transitions

Tools to quiet the chatter and
find power in the moment

With the current chaotic state of the world, one topic getting attention is mindfulness and being present. But do we truly understand what cultivating presence means?

Sometimes, the best way to explain a subject is to discuss its opposite. It is not being out to dinner with friends (socially distanced), thinking about the webinar you are creating, ignoring them and missing out on true connection. It is not doing yoga and wondering what the holidays will look like this year. It is not spending time with your children while checking the latest news on your phone between sentences.

One clear way to know if you are present? Interact with a horse. Horses are thousand pound biofeedback mechanisms that will reflect your presence, or lack thereof. As prey animals, horses need to be present and aware, always, or else they could be lunch. And they expect that presence from their herdmates and humans- it makes them feel safe.

Earlier this week, a horse “told” me I wasn’t present. I was showing an Equus coaching client how she could interact with Sparrow, a horse. I invited Sparrow, who was not on a leadline, to follow me as I walked. Initially, I heard the beautiful sound of Sparrow’s hooves in the sand, right behind me. Then it was silent. I checked myself and realized that my focus had switched from the beautiful present moment to my worry about an upcoming business meeting. Sparrow was saying, in horse language, “You left, and I am no longer following

you, because you aren’t here.” Sparrow was reminding me to stop listening to the ever present, mindless chatter that can devour the present moment. Usually, like in the above case, that voice is a worrisome critic, telling us what we’ve done wrong and what will go wrong. Imagine, I was listening to my inner worries rather than being with Sparrow! How often do we get stuck in our heads, hijacked by worries about our futures, jobs, finances, COVID, and other topics?

“Live the actual moment.
Only this actual moment is life.”

– Thich Nhat Hanh

Wouldn’t you love to live a life in which you no longer let your fears or worries take control of your thoughts?

So, what is being present, and what is the big deal about it? Being present is acknowledging the current moment and all its nuances. Right now, I am typing. I hear a crow squawking and an airplane flying overhead. I feel a slight breeze coming in through my window. I see my computer and a very messy desk. My brain is focused on thoughts regarding how to be present. I am truly present.

Traveling or being in a new environment is another great way of being present. With COVID, we can’t fly to Europe and practice mindfulness under the Eiffel Tower, but we can still drive our car to a pretty spot and take in the beauty around us. Roll down the window. What scents does the air carry? What do you see? A beach scene, the mountains, maybe just a parking lot where you can watch the trees move in the breeze. There, you have found a space of mindfulness.

Practice not worrying about the future or regretting the past. Those are the two things we will never change. In Eckhart Tolle’s bestselling book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, he writes: “If your mind carries a heavy burden of the past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through a lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future.”

Why does being present matter?

In December 2019, researchers at Brown University found that being mindful, or present, is associated with lowered blood pressure, improved gastrointestinal functioning, sharper thinking, and better sleep. Mindfulness is also linked to decreased anxiety and depression. UC Berkeley researcher Matthew Killingsworth, Ph.D., found that people are significantly less happy when their minds wander and when they are not present. This is true even when the content of the person’s thoughts is neutral. Wow, that’s enough incentive for us to hone my mindfulness skills.

Practice the following steps to increase your mindfulness

If you can devote 10 minutes a day to this practice, you will see a remarkable shift in your attitude in as little as 10 days:
1. Stop what you are doing and be still.

2. Tell the nonstop commentator in your head to take a break. You are going to focus on the present moment right now. For the rest of this exercise, if that chatter returns, let the thoughts glide out of your awareness, like a leaf flowing by in a stream. Don’t judge the thoughts or yourself for having them.

3. Take in a few deep breaths. Pay attention to your inhale, following your breath as it fills your lungs. Now exhale and again observe how you feel as the breath leaves your body.

4. Notice what you see. Take in the colors, the shapes, the movements. Watch for your mind making judgments. (In my earlier example, I noticed my messy desk but didn’t judge it. It’s just how I work.)

5. Now close your eyes (of course, only if safe to do so). Our sight can easily dominate our senses, so closing your eyes makes it easier to tune into your other senses.

First, notice your feet on the ground. Are your feet on a cold, hard floor, a soft carpet, or the warm hard surface of the earth?
What do you hear? Birds, the air conditioner, people talking, nothing? Just be aware of the sounds in your environment. Don’t judge.
What does your skin feel? If you are outside, is it warm, can you feel the sun? Or is it shady, perhaps with a slight breeze?
What do you smell? The fresh scent of redwoods, or a bland smell from your neighborhood?

You can do this exercise anywhere. I find it easiest to do within a natural environment, surrounded by redwoods or enjoying an ocean view. But I practice being present everywhere—a traffic jam, waiting in a doctor’s office, and especially when horseback riding. Mindfulness is a skill: the more you practice it, the better able you will be able to be present at any moment.The better you get at being mindful, the more you can use the calm feeling of being present to help you stay grounded during potentially stressful situations. The grande dame of wellness, Oprah Winfrey, says when you are mindful, “You are tuned in to the present moment instead of the jumble of thoughts in your head. You gain clarity. You stop giving power to your past. You know that, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, you will be okay.” That sounds good to me.

Have a problem or issue that you’d like to discuss with Dr. Clark Ericson? Please send your question to nina@ninaclarkericson.com. If you’re chosen, Nina will contact you for a complimentary and confidential coaching session.

Seven Steps to Manage Your Brain

Advice on Depression, Dealing with Emotions, Finding Coping Skills, How to be Present, Living Life During COVID-19

Long ago, real, immediate dangers were a constant in the environment.

If our ancestors heard a sound in the bushes and shrugged it off, they could have been lunch for a prehistoric bear or a mountain lion. The human race might not have survived. So, our ancestors’ fear-based brains served them well. That was great in the “good old days,” but isn’t so great now.

Today, we deal with a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety related to the COVID-19 pandemic, job loss, and the health of those we love. Let’s look at how to deal with these feelings.

All emotion comes from our thoughts, not directly from situations. COVID-19 and protesting do not in and of themselves create anxiety. What does that mean? Let me use myself as an example. When we were first quarantined, I thought, “Oh, now I have time to complete work and home projects.” Resulting feeling? Excitement. A couple of weeks later, I noticed I felt a bit depressed and unmotivated. I examined my thinking and realized that I was worried that quarantine would last forever (yes, my brain actually thought that), and that my family, work, and social life would never be the same. I worked on my own thinking to get back to feeling motivated. I’ll show you how.

I received many requests from people asking how to manage their increased anxiety. I did a Zoom coaching session with John (details have been changed to protect his identity) a Bay Area marketing consultant. John’s complaint of anxiety was similar to many others I heard.

John wrote the following: “The virus has really triggered my anxiety. How can I deal with it and live my life without the fears affecting my mind and emotional state?”

I started John’s coaching session discussing how our thoughts create our emotions. Then we jumped into John’s specific situation. I asked John what circumstance was related to his emotion, anxiety.

John said that he had been pursuing a potential client for a few weeks and had sent a contract to her the prior week. He had not heard back from her.

I asked John what thoughts he had prior to feeling anxious. John had to slow down to sort through his mind chatter (which we all have). He realized that he thought, “She is not going to hire me.” John’s thinking then spiraled into worry about his career, that his marketing skills weren’t good, and he would lose his business. John’s anxiety worsened into panic: he had lots of pressure in his chest, shallow breathing, and difficulty concentrating.

Were John’s thoughts realistic? Did John have evidence that the client wasn’t going to sign on with him? No, he said, no evidence. The fact that the prospect hadn’t returned a signed contract did not mean that she wasn’t going to hire John. And what action did John take when he felt this anxiety? He avoided his work: he stopped reaching out to potential clients and had a difficult time concentrating on the work he did have.

Then John and I discussed how he wanted to feel, his desired emotion. He said he wanted to feel relaxed, centered, and confident. He did not want to worry about this one prospect becoming a client. What did he need to think to feel this way? The realistic replacement thought John chose was: “I got this. Whether this client signs on or not, I have a proven track record as a successful marketing consultant.” With John’s renewed and realistic belief in himself and his abilities, he was motivated and excited to focus on his work.

Seven Steps to Manage Your Mind

Situation: These are facts. This statement would hold up in a court of law.

Thought: What thought do you have about the situation?

Realistic: Is there evidence that this thought is true? If yes, you need to feel your emotions.

If no, continue:

Emotion: What unpleasant feeling is that thought causing?

Action: What do you do when you have these thoughts and feelings?

Desired emotion: How do you want to feel?

Realistic replacement thought: What thought will lead to the desired emotion and consequent action.

Use this process to manage your brain. You can transform unrealistic, limiting beliefs to thoughts that serve you and help you create the life that you want. Manage your mind and your brain can be your superpower.

How to be Present